i walk out completely covered.
yes, underneath, there is a dotted swim suit..i am overly aware that it is an XL. i wear a swim cover up, but i decide that it doesn't cover enough so i have the brilliant idea to put PANTS on underneath it. okay. it would be better if i just did a cannon ball into the pool while screaming the word "SELF CONSCIOUS!!!!" at the top of my lungs.
peel off the layers, with a towel covering my lap...like a teenager changing clothes,UNDER her clothes on the school bus. pop in the pool with my children and try to blend.
"You're a mermaid, mommmmyyyyyyyy!" he said in a goofy voice. "what honey?" ....."I said, you're a MERMAID!!!!!" oh my sweet boy. love of my life. one of the three that i pour myself out for in this world...in this moment of complete horror..you see me as a mermaid? because i see me as Ursula the Sea Witch. you know the one..the plump and full figured octopus.that is what i see, but my son sees something different.he sees the woman who cares for him, plays with him, teaches him, hopes for him, believes in him...he sees the boo-boo kisser, the track builder, the chicken wrangler. he sees the person he loves. and in this case, the person he loves is wearing a swim suit. and to him, i am a mermaid.
the best rose colored glasses....EVER.
so, would it kill me, to put those glasses on myself and start to see myself for the things that i am, instead of the things i am NOT? what would happen if i woke up and told myself "TODAY, i am a mermaid." instead of waking up and cursing my body for not fitting into the jeans i am squeezing into.
it seems like my weight is my constant struggle, it's the dumb thing that holds me back. and i don't want it to hold me back anymore. so that is why my kids and i have been going to the pool sometimes twice a week this summer. and you know what happened? nothing. nobody gives two shits about me and my swim suit....except me.
you know what else happened? we have been having FUN.
i write this to continually bring it to the Light, so the Light can burn it up.
what is the dumb thing that holds YOU back? bring it to the Light.
Because, Mermaid or Ursula, we all deserve to swim.
Hi Jesse,
Great post as usual, I appreciate the strength of your vulnerability. Your son is right, be a mermaid.
Enjoy it all.
ML
Posted by: Account Deleted | 09/04/2012 at 08:22 AM