you know..there is alot of change in my life as of late, and i am not someone who embraces change easily. i usually dig my heels in and kick and scream before i enter into a new season of life. i did it when i moved to India, i did it when my friend died. I did it when i left YWAM, i did it when we bought our house. with out inspiration or challenge, my life would stay happy and the same, until the end.
i order the same thing when we go out to eat: chicken parm or meatloaf
i drink the same drinks: lambic, allagash white or unsweet iced tea.
i watch the same movies on nights when i am home alone: Apollo 13, Miracle and all of the Top Chef episodes.
i like long running ridiculous jokes with friends.
i have been married to the same man for 12 years.
i dont embrace change on a regular basis. yes, i do rearrange my living room quite a bit and i buy what ever boxed color that is "close enough" to my hair shade...but as far as major changes go...i avoid them at all cost.
so, here i am in the midst of ALOT of changes. my father passed away about 8 weeks ago. it's funny, because even though we were not close in the day to day, i feel the loss of him and what COULD HAVE BEEN, quite heavily. my life long friend, jennifer , and her husband, moved away. far away. she wasnt here when my dad died.it was hard. outside of my family, she was the first person i called. she took my kids at a moments notice, she had dates ith my daughter..and she knew my back story, so i never had to explain myself. hard to see her go. my good friend angie and her family moved quite suddenly this past week to the midwest. she was/is easy to be friends with.. and was my children's babysitter. they loved her...dare i say, adored her..and she moved away. and now in just a two short weeks our dearest family friends are moving to Colorado. i cant hardly talk about it except to say, our whole family feels this loss tremendously. steve..me..fable and even river. we love them and it is really hard to say goodbye.
when i think of the significant changes in my past..there was usually a major difference between the BEFORE and AFTER..and the change was most recognizable in my heart..not my circumstance. life before INDIA, and life AFTER..during that time i was given compassion and hope and love and it has changed my outlook and perspective on life, the world and people..in the best way. Life BEFORE Spencer took his life...we were invincable, ridiculous and happy go lucky..life AFTER, even now..there is a weight to bear in his memory..you dont know the struggle, the battle someone is fighting, so go easy on them and ASK MORE QUESTIONS AND LISTEN TO THE ANSWERS. so many changes, so many LESSONS. and i think, WHAT ARE ALL THESE NEW CHANGES BRINGING AROUND FOR ME? i know that they are not ABOUT me..but they do AFFECT me. so i think..i know the BEFORE of all of this..i am waiting to see what the AFTER brings to my heart , to my life and to my relationships. i have to have FAITH that the other side of this..the AFTER..there is something new. something progressive in my heart.
learn from these changes and emerge a BETTER FRIEND, A BETTER WIFE, A BETTER MOTHER...A BETTER WOMAN. i only hope the good comes soon. because, right now,on this side of things ...change still sucks.