Hold me fast
'Cause I'm a hopeless wanderer
I will learn, I will learn to love the skies I'm under
---MUMFORD & SONS
we just got back from New Hampshire. we go there almost every summer...last summer we tried something new and decided WE MUST NEVER TRY ANYTHING NEW AGAIN!..and headed back to the White Mountains this july.every year there is quite the frenzied build up before we leave. i direct the vacation bible school at our church..which might not sound like too much but it is quite the undertaking..building play houses, planning lessons, creating crafts..i usually have extra kids with us..its a full week..coupled with laundry, packing 4 people and prepping our house for whatever brave soul is going to stay with our animals while we are gone.and there is steve. ON TOP of his USUAL work load..there is the preparing to go away. leaving three music venues in the hands of someone else cannot be easy. on top of this, we said good bye to some very dear friends the morning we left for vacation, so the emotional build up the week of vacation was quite intense as well.
train rides and story land. clowns making balloon animals. rides and expensive stale popcorn. we went to the movies. out to dinner. tried new beers. (lots of them) we hiked and swam and discovered.
(fable at storyland...)
we had my mother joined us mid trip. my father died in april, so we thought it might be good for her. now is about the time the reality that he is gone could start to set in. the real sadness of it. so we thought take her along and show her something new (she had never been to new hampshire..) and possible ease a bit of what she may be going through. she played with my kids relentlessly(between naps, of course)...the ever present "customer" for their restaurant ...the "old lady" in all their videos..and the balloon blower upper.
we had a great time on vacation..but once returning home and driving my mother to the airport & back to her reality..quickly settling back into laundry and dogs and knee high grass on our lawn..steve back to the serious grind of his work..the kids back to their rooms and their lives..i realized.
vacation does not fix anything. it is not magic. it is not enough.
how quickly steve and i returned to the stressed out, overworked, frantic people that we so often morph into. bills to be paid.laundry and dishes. schedules to keep.beers to order.kegerators to fix..all of it.not that it wasnt good or fun..not that we are not grateful for our time away. we are lucky to go on vacation..not all families get that luxury.we know that. but what i am saying is that i went into it hoping.
hoping for connection. hoping for peace. hoping for rejuvenation. for quiet talks and deep moments.for answers.for memories. for lists. for creativity. for relief. hoping for more than vacation could deliver.
we did get a few of those things.a bit of connection..and some good talks and some fun with our kids. i think if i had kept my expectations at that, i'd have come home raving. but instead i came home thoughtful and pensive and disappointed in myself. for not living more in my moments. and for always looking ahead. looking for what is going to fix us instead of realizing that what we have isn't so bad. in fact, what we have is actually good.
the fix. the magic. the ENOUGH...is this:that although vacation is good and we need it.. spending my time investing, loving, praying & hoping,.....and serving the skies i'm under..the life i have so generously been given...that is what is going to bring about connection and peace, rejuvenation and creativity.
this life.this home. this family.it's not perfect..but it is a gift.
thanks vacation, for reminding me again.