i took fable to her first class of the school year at Common Ground here in New Haven. the class is two hours long and i thought i'd take River home and we'd make our peach crisp and play until it was time to go get her. he had other ideas.
instead, we played in the "dirt box" (instead of sand ) with dump trucks. loooooots of dump trucks and lots of dirt. after a while, we went for a long walk in the woods. at first i talked out loud to myself..then i started talking to river...asking him questions..pointing things out...blah blah blahing...then i noticed he wasn't really walking with me anymore. he was ahead of me, looking up at the sun peeking through the tall tall trees..and i asked him yet another question and he never took his eyes off the sky but said: "shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" i have to say i was a little bit horrified and quickly looked around to see if anyone was around. no one. the coast was clear. swallowing some pride (and a little anger) i asked him, "River, do you want Mommy to be quiet?" he shook his head yes and went back to observing his world. now i have to say, the moment was a bit of a downer..and of course i don't want my son disrespectfully shushing me on a regular basis. But his shush really made me think.
how ofter do i do that? talk and talk and talk. fill up the empty space, for the sake of not having empty space. asking them. telling them. singing. then it's the tv. or the ipod. it's my go to movies..apollo 12, sense and sensiblity..it's any season of top chef. my empty spaces..whether it is the silence, or loneliness or drowning out an internal dialogue that i long to ignore...i don't know. but i am filling my empty space and trying to fill the spaces of my children as well.
i could see that River was enjoying his quiet moment. when he had finally had enough, he told me so. and he was able to soak in his world. he didn't need me telling him about it as much as he just wanted to live in it. and now i find myself asking the question: what am i missing out on because i choose to fill up my silence with so many things? what beauty is being over looked? what secrets are being missed? i am grateful to my son ,in his non-tactful way, for reminding me to "shhhhhhhhhhhh!" stop talking about this life and be more present. turn off the tv or ipod and listen to the quiet.
i bet i will have more answers than questions.
